Monday, May 29, 2006

Headaches? Heartaches?

I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I have this recurring headache every afternoon. Maybe its the heat. I don't know, I'm not sure. And then its the restlessness that I can't shake off. Its like I have a constant urge to do something, but I can't quite figure out what it is I'm supposed to do. Maybe its the lack of a proper vacation that's doing this to me. Or worse, it could be the side effects of loneliness that's only hitting me full force right now.

Whatever it is, its not doing me any good.

All I know is that I'm bored out of my wits right now. I think its some sort of "calm before the storm" thing. Its my graduating year, and I know its gonna be hell. But I really don't give a rat's ass right now. All I want to do is get a job and earn something for printing and guitar stuff.

Oh well... I'm sure there's something 'round the corner...

There always is...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

love love love...

I'm in love... for better or for worse...

*sigh*

Remember Romeo when he killed Juliet's cousin? Remember what he said...

dammit...

finally finished

bon jour mes amis...

so now its finished... the hassle, the pressure, the forced sleepless nights finishing business plans and financial statements... its done!

we've lived through it, and I tell you, it wasn't easy...

I'm just glad this is through... unfortunately, summer is also over... I guess we'll just save the vacation for next summer... oh wait, there's no more next summer... we're gonna graduate this March... uh oh... oh well...

And oh yeah, I made a promise to someone that I'd stop smoking... I will you know... you'll see...

I also made another promise... I won't have my hair cut until graduation... just to remind me that I have to strive hard to get magna cum laude... if not... all of it goes off... bald...

Talk about all or nothing... what the hell have I gotten myself into?

like I said... oh well...

until next time...

Monday, May 22, 2006

The big day

hello there boys and girls...

It is now less than 24 hours before we present our marketing plan.

I don't admit it to anyone in our group, but I'm really nervous and scared at the prospect of presenting what "we" made to the officers of our college. One, because most of it is made by me. Two, because the presentation is divided among the group, and some of them have no idea what to do. Three, because if they don't like it, I am mostly responsible.

I don't like this feeling at all. I'm usually confident about the things that I have made. But this one is the worst. I don't really "feel" it. Its like the whole thing is just one big nightmare waiting to happen...

I've been so stressed about this thing, and now that its almost over, it seems like the stress has tripled. I even lost my appetite (which is saying a lot) and a LOT of sleep. I have this headache that doesn't seem to want to go away. I smoke about 5 times a day. I haven't bonded with my friends as much as I wanted, and I've negelected a lot of things.

I just hope that nothing disastrous will happen tomorrow...

If only there was something to keep me grounded and not so wired... If only I wasn't so lonely all the friggin' time...

*sigh*

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

DAMMIT

I JUST HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE PREEMPT THINGS WHEN THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING SO....

now what do we do? The plan is out in the open... it was supposed to be under wraps! so what the hell is the stupid marketing plan for? what the hell are we gonna do if the officers already know what we're going to present? now I have to rethink everything... EVERYTHING!

STUPID!


glory-seeking, good-for-nothing son of a female dog...

curse you....

blah

nobody listens... nobody cares...

I hate always being the one to carry the load... I'm not superman... even if you think I am... I'm only human...

Less than a week until crunch time... what am I to do? I'm wracking my brains out... but still nothing comes out... this is hopeless... I need some help...

Why does it have to happen when I have no one to give me support? Why now, when I am utterly, and completely alone...

nobody listens... they don't want to care... because caring would mean sharing the burden... and the burden is just too great...

listen to me... I need you...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

a stab at writing...

-3:21 PM
-May 13, 2006
“Inside the Gateway”

There was a time when my dad, my sister, and I used to walk around Cubao during the weekends just to pass the time. I remember that my feet always got sore when we got home because of all the walking that we did. The thing is, we almost always never bought anything. We just looked around and daydreamed together about the things that we would get to buy when we got rich.
We used to scour the malls, window shopping, and just mingling with the weekend crowd. We would laugh at the funny looking people. We would stand in front of store windows, imagining we were going to buy the things inside. We had loads of fun. And when we got too hungry, or too tired, we would go home.
It’s funny how things change and not change as time goes by. I never really got the walking out of my system. We’re still not rich. But now, almost always, I walk alone. Ten years later, I’m still walking, daydreaming, window shopping, and people watching in Cubao. Even after I had a girlfriend, when one would expect me to do away with such a lonely exercise, I find myself now and then just needing some time to walk alone. And ever the onlooker, I would sit in crowded food courts and watch the people spend their good earned money on food, and ridiculously expensive clothing, while thinking of things to write. Actually, I do that a lot now too, thinking.
Sometimes I even think that I think too much and think to myself that I should just stop all this thinking and continue on with my long walks. But when I walk, then I would just think some more, and it would then defeat the whole purpose of me taking a walk so that I wouldn’t think too much.
So I write. I write about the stuff that I would never dare to say out loud. I write about the things that move me. I write about the secret things that I really want to say, but have no idea how. I write because I don’t know what else to do. And for all the thinking that I go through, it seems that I always find myself not really knowing what to do.
The other night, I was out buying myself some dinner, when I saw this very dirty and very malnourished child. And while I was debating to myself whether or not to buy him some food, he just sat there, looking at me as if pleading but neither having the words nor the courage to say it out loud. I didn’t know if I should have helped him out or not. But just as I finally decided that I would talk to him and ask him if he wanted anything, he stood up and walked away.
It seems that happens a lot to me nowadays. I hesitate on doing something, think about it too much, and finally when I do decide to act on what I was thinking about, the moment has passed. They always, just simply, walk away….

Sunday, May 14, 2006

busy busy busy

hello again boys and girls...

its been a while... and I've been quite stressed lately. If you're making a marketing plan for a whole college trying to reposition itself, you would be. And that's exactly what I've been doing lately. The thing is, this marketing plan, complete with a market study, financial analysis, etc., is half of the basis of my grade for this summer.

What did I just say?

We're doing this marketing plan for the school as a class project...

Tough?

Tell me about it...

Add to that to the fact that we just started our community service practicum for my other class... my summer is pretty much.. well... stocked...

I still sleep at 3am, and I wake up at quarter to 7... I haven't really enjoyed the summer yet, and now there's a storm... My love life's a wreck... I am financially unstable...

Ain't life just grand?

Okay, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to rattle off like that... I just sorta had to let it out... Just so it won't dam up inside me...

I wrote something yesterday, but its in my notebook and I can't seem to find it... When I do though, I'd like to share it with you...

So until then...

Ciao...

Monday, May 08, 2006

Essential

what does one do
when something
that has always been there
is gone
not by chance
but by choice
the mother giving up a child
the father giving up a wife
a son giving up on life
what else is left
but numbing pain

the paradox

what you can't stand
you can't live without

"Essential"
-11:29PM
-05/01/2006

Friday, May 05, 2006

oh stupid...

hello there boys and girls...

you're probably wondering why this entry is titled this way... well... it just is...

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the option in many Nokia phones to "delete sent items"... well... be very cautious! because near that option is the "delete all messages" thingy...

want to conjenture? guess what...

yes, you guessed correctly.....................


...................I just happened to click on the "delete ALL messages" option... T____T

like the title said...

STUPID...

My initial reaction was... shock... then panic... then despair...

then my brain went blank... I was with my best friend at that time... so he saw the whole thing happen... all I can say right now is...

SHIT...

I can't even explain why such a thing saddens me so much... I like to keep things... even the little unimportant, unexplainably banal, useless things... and i LOST ALL MY MESSAGES???!!!!???

shit...

*sniff*

Monday, May 01, 2006

the end

hello there boys and girls... nice day isn't it? its reaaaaally hot and stuffy... and its sooooo boring...

well, one thing happened today... my ex and I were able to talk about our relationship that just ended...

its basically one of the scarce moments that we actually talk about things concerning our relationship... and its ironic that we were able to talk about it only now, when it is over... but, at least we made things clear... and I believe that we are both the better for it...

we talked about stuff that worked, and stuff that didn't... why we really broke up, and what caused it... there weren't any hard feelings or admonitions on both our parts... and that was good... basically, we sort of came to the conclusion that maybe it isn't the right time... "we" just weren't working... no matter how we loved each other, there wasn't enough relationship time for us...

so that was that....

do I regret being with her? absolutely not... it was one of the best things in my life for a long time... but it just isn't so anymore... and that's the sad and painful truth.... nevertheless, I'm okay.... and I hope she is too... after all, may pinagsamahan naman kami...

and so its done... the end... at least that chapter is...

I just felt like sharing... because I want to let it out...

who knows? like they always say...
"when God takes away something, it only means He has something better to give..."


until next time...