sunday bloody sunday...

Hello there boys and girls,

Its been another while hasn't it? and as always, I would ask if anybody missed me... Probably not. But, that's the way it is... I've been meaning to write for quite some time now. But its like everytime I look at the blank space of a new entry, I lose all strength and just give up.

I am graduating 20 days from now, on my 23rd birthday. I should be happy. I should be ecstatic. But for the life of me, I am not. And I don't know why. I always dreamed of the moment that I would finish college, dreamed of going up that stage and hearing my name being called. I always tried to do my best so that I wouldn't just graduate, but graduate at the top of my class.

I will... I'm at the top of my course. I will graduate Cum Laude this summer. I have fulfilled my goal. I should be proud of myself.

But why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so utterly alone? Even in this place where I am surrounded by friends and my siblings who love me. Why do I feel emptiness in my heart?

When I started this journey, I offered whatever I would gain to someone. I swore that whatever I achieved, it was for that one person.

Now that its over, it feels like everything that I worked for was for naught. Now that its over, I feel that the hardships and the triumphs do not mean anything anymore. Because it was for you. But now you are gone.

I wish it was as easy as finding someone new and offering everything up to that person in place of the one I lost. But its not.

It is so damn hard.

And I feel so damn frustrated and empty and alone and sad and f***ing angry at mysel for not having had the strength to pull myself together and carry us to the end.

Is it too late?

It is Palm Sunday today. It is the day the Lord entered Jerusalem, in full knowledge of his coming death. Today the wave at Him in celebration, in a few days they ask for his death. "Forgive them... they know not what they do."