Congratulations Graduates

There are times when I just feel so... tired... and a few weeks away from the end of college, I find myself feeling just... wasting away...


They gave me a pen
and taught me how to write
They gave me a mind
and taught me how to think
But you think
Before you write
They gave me a voice
and taught me how to speak
They gave me a heart
And i knew what it was to feel
So I feel
Before I speak
And speak what I feel
And write what I think
Think, then speak
Feel, then write
And now I write, speak, feel, think
All at once
But sometimes not at all

-Learning

for you...

I wrote this for a girl...I never really told her about it... But here it is now... I hope you like it...


when the day
is far too young
when the darkness
still envelops
i raise my song
slowly, and mournful
longing
for the rising sun
would I feel safe
would I feel comfort
would I feel happiness
when I am bathed in this light
if only I could feel its heat
its warmth
to thaw my frozen heart
yet there is hope
for there you are
and I feel safe
safely comfortable
comfortably happy
in this cold
and lonely place
when the day is no longer young
you are my sunlight

-Sun
-April 4, 2006
-1:18 AM

poetry...

Its been a long time since I've shared my poetry online...This one's from a while back, kaya medyo galit ang tone... anyways, here goes... ^__^



I am destroyed
I am unmade
I am broken
I am consumed
You have destroyed me
You have me unmade
You have me broken
You have consumed me
I gave you my love
I gave you my all
You gave me your love
Then took it all
My spirit is broken
There is nothing left
My soul has become hollow
You took it all
Destroy me
Unmake me
Break me
Consume me
You have done it
Only you
I gave you my life
I gave it all
Now I have nothing
You took it all

And you broke my heart

"Heartbreak"
August 28, 2006
9:14 PM

All I want for Christmas...

Our barkada christmas party is coming up, and with tradition, we've been asked to list the things we wished to get this christmas... I listed a portable mp3 player and an external hard drive...

But right now, I could care less if I got nothing...

If only I could give what I need to give the most... and honestly, I have no idea how to provide for it...

They say that life is the best gift that anyone can give. They say that its the greatest blessing. But what if I can't even give that? What good am I?

I pray to God for some guidance...'cuz I really have no idea on what to do...

and then there was..... absolutely nothing...

so here I am again, boys and girls...

I've been absent for a while... I haven't been up to writing anything for the past weeks really... I've been content just reading stuff from other people's blogs, and its actually quite a lot of fun...

But I miss writing. I've always fancied myself as a person who has a good way with words. But sometimes, I just lose it. I absolutely run out of things to say.

I feel its a good thing though, because its when I truly shut up is the time that I can really connect with people. Because I get to listen to them. Really listen to them. I quite fancy it actually. ^__^

And then there's reading... I love it as much as I love writing. And when I read something that really touches me, I feel profound happiness. I don't know why, but that's how it is...

Why am I even saying this? I really have no idea... I just feel like saying it... and sometimes, when you have nothing really intelligent to say, just say what you feel...

well, that's it for now... until I find my words again...

ciao. ^_^

The price of glory...

I have a bad cold... my nose looks like a strawberry... and it drips liquid like a broken faucet... T_T

But I'm happy... ^_^

We won the 1st Entrepreyouth Challenge last Friday, and I attended the first day of the series of seminars as one of the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees 2006-2007.

I think the stress and the fatigue finally caught up... anyways, I'm takin meds, but I think what I really need is a nice big hug...

Dream on I say...

The Top 25

If you didn't know, I recently joined the search for the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees of 2006, sponsored by the MarkProf Foundation. Out of 800 applicants this year, it was whittled down to around 190 students, who all attended the 2nd phase screening last Saturday, September 16. I was one of those 190 students. And that number has now been reduced to 50.

The remaining 50 will undergo a 3rd screening process this Saturday to determine who will be the final 25 Trainees.

Well guess what? I'm in the final 50... and I'm gonna be at the Asia Pacific College this Saturday to duke it out with the country's best marketing students in the bid to become one of the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees of the Year.

Dear me...what the f***ing hell have I gotten myself into?

I just hope I don't make an ass out of myself on Saturday...Well... wish me luck...

Head Pains part 2

Well what do you know, the headaches are still persistent... I thought that with the culmination of our ardous journey through Finance was the end of it. But no, the headaches are still here. The worst part? It manifests at the oddest times. Like today, we were eating lunch when my head suddenly started hurting. And then just after I get home, it starts hurting. And even right now, the right side of my forehead, just above the eye is hurting like hell.

I think I need new glasses. T__T

Or maybe a loooooooooooooooong vacation.

Head Pains

I have this bad head ache... I got it after making the financial projections for our entry to this contest that my school mates are joining. I usually finish this kind of thing for about two weeks, but I did this one in a day (3 and a half hours in fact). I feel drained. I just want to lay down and sleep, but I still have to send the entry through e-mail.

So here I am...


Wish us luck...

Sep 18, '06 6:43 PM

schooling yourself...

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but school feels a bit sucky right now...



I just had one of my worst experiences in the whole of my academic
life, and the easiest exam I've ever taken happen in the same day.
After staying up all night working on a business plan for my finance
class, we bombed. The team got cut off midway, in one of my most
humiliating presentations ever. What made it worse was the fact that
the "best" presentation was a reconstructed copy of a model that I
helped create last summer. (thieves I say...)



But enough of this ranting... Its a good thing that we had a very,
very, very easy exam in the afternoon. It was one of the only two good
things about today. The other good thing? Well, that's my little
secret.. ^__^



It doesn't make school easier though... Its still tough. How tough?



We still have to see...

sigh...

Hi there boys and girls...

Miss me much? Well, I miss myself too... It's been a while isn't it? I've been so busy lately, and so very preoccupied. I don't want to even bother talking about it.

I'm at work right now (encoder at a law firm), but its downtime so I guess that's why I'm able to write right now. So, where do I start? Oh, its exam week this week, and I have yet to review my notes, much less start researching for my midterm paper. Well I have, but its really not enough.

So right now I'm stuck at the conceptualization stage. I've got a paper on the relationship of wages and education in the Philippine setting in my Labor Economics theory class; Collaborative Strategies, Open-Sourcing, and Decomponentation in my Business Policy Class; and a business model of our own school for my Business Finance class. All of these to be passed sometime at the end of the week. Sound bullish? Not quite enough.

I'd like to give a big CONGRATULATIONS to Katia for being on the way to fulfilling her life-long dream. I'm so happy for you. Really, I am. I just wish that I'd be as lucky as you. Also to Erick, for taking the steps to fulfill his as well (you know what I mean ^_^). And to Kristine, for striving to become the doctor that she dreams to be.

As for me... well... I'm still a bit lost.

Very lost...

Its like I'm swimming in a sea of uncertainty. Not knowing what to expect at every turn, groping in the dark as I trudge along this fragile existence.

I try so hard not to show to anyone how hard I'm struggling. I always try to be the one who has it all together. But inside, its like I'm dying, slowly giving in to the darkness that threatens to consume me.

I'm scared of the possibilty that I might just give up and throw this all away. And for what? So that I can be free. Free of all the weight of the responsibility being the one to make it better for all of us. When I know that if I even attempt such a thing, I'd go under just like the lot of them. They'd just pull me down with them in their sinking boat. And I'd become more miserable. Miserable just like them.

I know I'm not making sense right now. But for those who know me, they would understand.

If only I had someone to hold me up. But you're so far away. And I cannot burden you because you have your own dreams to pursue. And I understand.

But I just need someone to help me get through this... even just for a little while...

Oh well, I guess I've said enough for now...

Untill next time then...

ciao...

I'm sorry...

I guess that's about all I can say...

I'm a mess... I mean, really... Do you ever get that feeling when one day it's all perfect, and then out of nowhere everything suddenly falls apart? And then you get trapped in a predicament so totally out of control that you just want to hide under your bed and stay there until the earth swallows you up.

That's kind of what I'm feeling right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am sorry for my inadequacies... I am sorry for my inability to fulfill the promises that I meant to keep... I am sorry for my failure to accomplish the things I set out to do... I'll get there... but I'm sorry because I have to keep the people involved waiting...

All my life, I've always been the victim... as selfish as it may seem... I kinda want to be the villain for a while...


oh bruised heart, how selfish you have become...oh battered soul, where is your spirit now?

On loneliness...

I’ve been quite the busy person lately. I’ve been catching up with old friends, making some new ones, busying myself with school responsibilities, etc. I’ve also tried to start writing again, which unfortunately becomes increasingly difficult for me.

But with all the stuff that has been going on, there is one important thing that I cannot shake off. Its one thing to be bored, but it’s another thing to be lonely. I am mentioning this because there are times, when I am alone in my room, sometimes with my guitar, when I find myself experiencing unspeakable loneliness.

It is scary because the feeling is so overwhelming. It is scary because I cannot escape it. It is scary because it feels so absolute, like it can swallow me whole and destroy my very being. I hate it when I am reminded of how empty and hollow my heart really is; of how I have reduced my feelings to logical analyses and not as feeling to be really felt and not to be analyzed and dissected like a logician’s argumentative toy.

My soul is weeping because of the realization that maybe, I cannot really feel anything. Maybe I don’t really know how to love. Maybe I’ve become so much of a dreamer that I have reduced the ______ feeling of love into an idea so removed from my mind, so utterly abstracted by my overzealous brain that it has lost its entire meaning for me.

Is it my fault finally because I dream too much? Will I never be satisfied? Will I never be really, truly happy? How can I know?

I don’t think I ever felt true happiness before.

last night...a diatribe...

And so he strikes again: boasting about his so called toughness and declaring the root cause of every suffering that we experience, demanding audience with the tormentor, bringing nothing but a piece of wood. Like the cavemen of old, banging on the skulls of their enemies as they continue to become more and more inebriated. What have you brought back with you? What have you gained in the mountains? Have you become as primitive as the people you have lived with for so short a time?

It is the curse of simplicity. When problems get too complicated, the simple man turns to simple means, not understanding the complexity of the consequence of his actions. And what of the people who get affected? What of the people who cannot do anything but stand and watch as the cavemen bare their testicles and brandish their wooden clubs? Maybe this is the cause of all violence. When a man becomes threatened, he turns to the only thing he can: his balls, and his wooden club.

How many times have I seen it? The uncontrollable wrath of the drunkard is as dangerous as swimming wounded in the sea with sharks. He cannot understand anything else aside from his instinct. Confrontation is his only option because he cannot solve the real problems. He can only be the simpleton again. He is powerless and he knows it. Yet his pride gets the better of him. Drink fool. Drink the potion of our doom. For it is not you alone that you are damning with your foolishness. You are damning us all.

Death is the end of all fear.

Recognition Day

Hello there boys and girls....

Finally, the first day of classes has arrived. And keeping with Kalayaan College tradition, we had our annual recognition day and freshman orientation. For the first time in 4 years, I was asked to give the student response in front of the student body and the freshmen. I just want to share with you the speech that I did yesterday. I hope you like it.

Fellow students, beloved officers, members of faculty and staff, and all those present today, a good morning to you all. When I received the call last Friday that I was to speak before you today, I thought to myself, "What in the world am I going to say to these people?" I sat on my bed and stared off into space and nothing was coming out. So I thought about what it is that makes this year so special to me. What makes it different from all the other years that I have been in this place? And I remembered. I remembered that if all goes well, my friends and I will be graduating at the end of this academic year. So what?

So what, when thousands of other students will be graduating at the end of this year? When many will be receiving awards until they are neck deep in it? When many thousands still will not even get a job at the end of it all? Now we get to a poit when we ask, "What is the point?" Why do we continue on this arduous journey called college? What are you, the ones that are just beginning their journey, getting yourselves into? Why do those who still have a year or two left keep continuing to struggle to get to their final years and graduate? Why do we all strive to finish something that does not even guarantee our futures?

The answer my friends, is simple. So simple that it borders on the ridiculous. The answer is that all of us, no matter how we deny it, want to make something of ourselves. That by entering into the halls of higher learning, we hope that we do learn something, enough to be used for the betterment of our lives. But more importantly, we do this because we believe. We believe that if we enter these hallowed grounds, guarantee or no, we will gain something of value. And it doesn't matter if we learn it inside the classroom or outside of it, whether we learn it from our professors, or our friends, or even our enemies. What matters is that we are not imprisoned in the mediocrity that will result in us not even attempting to receive what they so fondly call "higher education."

And I believe this to be true. I believe this in my heart. And whether or not you believe in it as I do, this is the truth that I have found in myself since I first entered this very place. But don't take my word for it. Find your own truths. Find your own foundations for what you believe is true. For as Goethe said, "The first and last thing required of genius is truth." And we don't all have to become geniuses but if we are on the path of truth, the we are at least, going in the right direction.

And now I shall do as others before me have done, and many others after me will. I welcome you to this place that we have grown to know and love. Welcome to another year at Kalayaan College. Thank you and good morning.

The Last Beginning

Hello boys and girls...

It is again time for another fun-filled year of college. Depending on one's point of view, it can be sad or exhilirating. Sad because summer and the endless beach hopping is finally over, and exhilirating because friends who have not been seen for months will again be found. For me, it is neither. Because it is hopefully my last year, I feel very anxious. Yes boys and girls, anxious. Why you may ask? Well for starters, we're gonna be handled by one of the most feared professors in our course. And its not gonna be one subject, but two. Also, our recurring nightmare of an economics professor, who by the way has consistently given me grades not higher than 2, is back in action.

For those of you who don't know, I'm sort of in the running for magna cum laude this year. And for those of you who might have an idea of the situation I am in right now, that title seems to drift further and further away from my grasp as the academic year draws frightfully near its beginning. Those two professors that I have just mentioned have in their power to lower my grades to an extent that I may barely get a cum laude. Its that scary.

Very few have been able to pass, yet much fewer have been able to get even a semblance of a high grade. As for me... well... we just have to find out don't we?

For now, I tremble and sweat in my sleep. For now, I dread the coming of the new semester. But with usual David fashion, I'll just hike my shoulders and trudge on...

So until the day finally comes to meet the architects of my doom...

I'll just lay down and enjoy what little time for sleep I have left...

For my sister...

Happy Birthday sis... love you... for real... I can't really say it to your face, but there you go...

Singing with your heart...

Hello here boys and girls...

Yesterday, me and my classmates went to the Nazareth Home for Single Mothers. We went there for our CWTS class and it was the second to the last activity that we did for the summer. It was also the most meaningful one that we did. For me anyways...

The day started off pretty dull. We went to the assigned meeting place at 8am and went to fetch the "single mothers" so that we could go on a mini road trip. It was what our professor suggested that we do because most of the clients of the home don't get the chance to go out much. It didn't seem like a worthwhile idea at the time, but we did it anyway.

Our first stop was our school, and as usual nobody was there except the guard and the custodian. The school nurse was also there, apparently waiting for us so that she could join the trip and document it. I became a sort of spokesperson for our class, and I welcomed them to the college, apologizing that because it was too early, we couldn't bring them inside the mall. I suggested that we go to the riverside park instead, but the professor did not agree because the drivers of the vehicles that we rented were "in a hurry."

So thus ended our trip to the school. Then off we went and rode around Katipunan Avenue and I told them where the different other schools were. Then we went to our last destination, which was UP Diliman. We stopped at the Oblation, I gave them little bits of trivia and history about the place, and then we walked to the lagoon. It was supposed to be just a simple walk to see the sights. But oh what a sight it was! The guy who went up Mt. Everest, the Garduza guy, was there. He was doing a photo shoot/interview for GMA 7. And the moms were thrilled! We even had our pictures taken together with the guy and some even had asked for autographs.

I was thrilled, not because of seeing the "mountain man", but because of the looks on the faces of the girls as they had their pictures taken with a celebrity. They seemed really happy. It actually made me feel that the road trip had served its purpose in entertaining the clients of the Nazareth Home. Its not everyday you get to meet a guy who's climbed Mt. Everest, rarer still meeting only the third Filipino to accomplish the feat.

Then we returned to the Home for a short programme, where I was due to play some music for the single moms. Before we did that, the social worker decided to give us a bit of a tour of the place. Our first stop was the office. It was then that she discussed in detail the situation of the single mothers in the Home. Young and old, they came and went. The abandoned, the rape victims, the runaways, they all came to the Nazareth Home. They were of all ages, from the very young to the older ones. The youngest was 13 years old, raped by her own father and left at the home by her own mother, the oldest was 33, blind and raped by an unknown assailant. Most of them raped, or left by their boyfriends only to be turned away by their families, shocked to find the unbearable truth.

I was in pain. When I learned about the things that they went through, what was in store for them, how they endured what they endured, I felt small. I wanted to cry.

I couldn't focus on anything else after that. We went on with the tour, but I wasn't listening anymore. All I could think about was the sadness that they must have endured and are enduring, despite the smiles on their young and innocent faces. I was so distracted that I couldn't play the songs properly, resulting in an almost horrendous group song. When it was the girls' turn to perform, I felt guilty that we had given them such a crass performance. It was then that a classmate of mine suggested to me that I should play again, just to give them something worthy of their time. So I did.

I went forward, guitar in hand, trembling with nerves, and told them what I was going to play. It was a song that I have never played in front of anyone before. It was a song that I wrote. I told them that it was a song of love, and of hope. And before I played, I told them that even if there was nothing else, it is important to always have hope.

I played and sang with all my heart.

I sang for the hope that maybe my song would, even for a short while, make them have hope again. And you know what? I think it did.

I still cannot forget the looks on their faces after that. It was like for one moment, all of us were connected in one fervent prayer that their children, born or yet unborn, would have better futures than themselves.

The trip made me realize how really lucky I still am. How lucky we all are, that no matter what has happened to us in the past, we do not have to endure such pain.

Headaches? Heartaches?

I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I have this recurring headache every afternoon. Maybe its the heat. I don't know, I'm not sure. And then its the restlessness that I can't shake off. Its like I have a constant urge to do something, but I can't quite figure out what it is I'm supposed to do. Maybe its the lack of a proper vacation that's doing this to me. Or worse, it could be the side effects of loneliness that's only hitting me full force right now.

Whatever it is, its not doing me any good.

All I know is that I'm bored out of my wits right now. I think its some sort of "calm before the storm" thing. Its my graduating year, and I know its gonna be hell. But I really don't give a rat's ass right now. All I want to do is get a job and earn something for printing and guitar stuff.

Oh well... I'm sure there's something 'round the corner...

There always is...

love love love...

I'm in love... for better or for worse...

*sigh*

Remember Romeo when he killed Juliet's cousin? Remember what he said...

dammit...