On loneliness...

I’ve been quite the busy person lately. I’ve been catching up with old friends, making some new ones, busying myself with school responsibilities, etc. I’ve also tried to start writing again, which unfortunately becomes increasingly difficult for me.

But with all the stuff that has been going on, there is one important thing that I cannot shake off. Its one thing to be bored, but it’s another thing to be lonely. I am mentioning this because there are times, when I am alone in my room, sometimes with my guitar, when I find myself experiencing unspeakable loneliness.

It is scary because the feeling is so overwhelming. It is scary because I cannot escape it. It is scary because it feels so absolute, like it can swallow me whole and destroy my very being. I hate it when I am reminded of how empty and hollow my heart really is; of how I have reduced my feelings to logical analyses and not as feeling to be really felt and not to be analyzed and dissected like a logician’s argumentative toy.

My soul is weeping because of the realization that maybe, I cannot really feel anything. Maybe I don’t really know how to love. Maybe I’ve become so much of a dreamer that I have reduced the ______ feeling of love into an idea so removed from my mind, so utterly abstracted by my overzealous brain that it has lost its entire meaning for me.

Is it my fault finally because I dream too much? Will I never be satisfied? Will I never be really, truly happy? How can I know?

I don’t think I ever felt true happiness before.