a stab at writing...

-3:21 PM
-May 13, 2006
“Inside the Gateway”

There was a time when my dad, my sister, and I used to walk around Cubao during the weekends just to pass the time. I remember that my feet always got sore when we got home because of all the walking that we did. The thing is, we almost always never bought anything. We just looked around and daydreamed together about the things that we would get to buy when we got rich.
We used to scour the malls, window shopping, and just mingling with the weekend crowd. We would laugh at the funny looking people. We would stand in front of store windows, imagining we were going to buy the things inside. We had loads of fun. And when we got too hungry, or too tired, we would go home.
It’s funny how things change and not change as time goes by. I never really got the walking out of my system. We’re still not rich. But now, almost always, I walk alone. Ten years later, I’m still walking, daydreaming, window shopping, and people watching in Cubao. Even after I had a girlfriend, when one would expect me to do away with such a lonely exercise, I find myself now and then just needing some time to walk alone. And ever the onlooker, I would sit in crowded food courts and watch the people spend their good earned money on food, and ridiculously expensive clothing, while thinking of things to write. Actually, I do that a lot now too, thinking.
Sometimes I even think that I think too much and think to myself that I should just stop all this thinking and continue on with my long walks. But when I walk, then I would just think some more, and it would then defeat the whole purpose of me taking a walk so that I wouldn’t think too much.
So I write. I write about the stuff that I would never dare to say out loud. I write about the things that move me. I write about the secret things that I really want to say, but have no idea how. I write because I don’t know what else to do. And for all the thinking that I go through, it seems that I always find myself not really knowing what to do.
The other night, I was out buying myself some dinner, when I saw this very dirty and very malnourished child. And while I was debating to myself whether or not to buy him some food, he just sat there, looking at me as if pleading but neither having the words nor the courage to say it out loud. I didn’t know if I should have helped him out or not. But just as I finally decided that I would talk to him and ask him if he wanted anything, he stood up and walked away.
It seems that happens a lot to me nowadays. I hesitate on doing something, think about it too much, and finally when I do decide to act on what I was thinking about, the moment has passed. They always, just simply, walk away….