And here we go again... (NOT the Paramore song...)

Hello boys and girls,

Two months after I wrote my first blog entry in two years, it seems I am quite in my proper form. Inconsistency seems to be an inexcusable yet permanent part of my personality. I don't know where this comes from, but my bet would be on laziness. You know when you just want to stop doing everything and let the world just pass you by? I guess we all get that feeling at one time or another. The thing about me is, once in a while, I succumb to that feeling for a few moments. And then when I get back to reality, more than a few things have happened that causes my life to suck even more.

Am I making sense here people? Let me rephrase.

For every little moment of indiscretion or lapse in judgment, you pay for it dearly. I know we've all heard a form of this saying at one point in our lives but I tell you, this cannot be more true.

So what lapse in judgment am I talking about? Oh, so many to tell...

I really don't want to get into the specifics of this list, but let it suffice to say that when this year ends, I'm going to be more screwed than a charred skinny barbecue served during Medya Noche.

For now, I blow off a bit of steam... and go back to reality. *sigh*

Until next time... Take care boys and girls.

Ciao!

2 years?

Wow... That's the only thing I can say about this. 2 years of not posting anything. ANYTHING! Wow...

Hello boys and girls. Miss me much? No? Oh well. Not really surprised.

What have I been doing? Oh, nothing much. And by that I mean A LOT. Where to start... where to start... Oh, check out the song! (the previous post)

It's one part of it really, what's bugging me lately. I don't know how else to put it. But I digress...

Where was I? Oh, the part where I tell you what I was up to these last two years. 2 Years! Well, to start, I have a son. He's almost 10 months old now. He's big unlike me, has round eyes like his mom, and smart! Oh, how I dream that he gets all the smarts his genes have to offer.

Not married yet, just in case you're wondering. When to have the wedding? I'm not really certain on the date. It has to be within the year though. Why? Well, that's a secret.

What else... hmmm.....

Oh!

I am a teacher right now. What? Me? Teacher? WHAT?!

Yes. I teach English, believe it or not, to unsuspecting European students who would never think that I'm actually a Business and Economics major. Well, almost everybody I know (save a couple) have professions or specializations quite unlike what they do now.

I moonlight as a pseudo-manager for a local band on weekends. What's the band's name? Nyctinasty. What? Nyctinasty. Again?! N-Y-C-T-I-N-A-S-T-Y (this happens more often than I would like, believe me) If you're curious, check out http://www.myspace.com/nyctinasty

(My fingers are getting tired right now courtesy of the many lesson reports I have (and will have to) write/written so I'll take a break. If I remember, I'll continue this but if I don't, then, you know me...)

My Latest diatribe

-The Madness-

Looking at you

through the smoke and the bottle

I know that you

never would think that I think of you

more than someone

who is just there to listen

I die from

the pain of just keeping it hidden

Tell me: what should I do to not think of you?

when you're all I see, all the time,

tonight

Tell me: what could I say to push you away?

from this heart of mine that is yours alone,

tonight

Forgive me

If my glances stay for too long

Forgive me

If I suddenly break out into song

I am enamored

I am entranced

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me: what should I do to not think of you?

when you're all I see, all the time,

tonight

Tell me: what could I say to push you away?

from this heart of mine that is yours alone,

Tell me: what could I say? Should I go? Should I stay?

In this heart of mine you are not alone,

(this madness is eating away at me now

burgeoning, threatening to claw it's way out)

Tonight

Merry Christmas!!!

Hello there boys and girls!

Just dropped by to say Merry Christmas!!! Have a wonderful Holidays!

Ciao!

Sitting in a Cafe in the Metro

-Irony-

Where once shambles stood
Where none but dirty, battered feet
set foot
Now none can be found
Where once poverty lay
Where none could be safe from
the violent melee
Now riches abound
Where one would be appalled
By the sight of generations
of misery
Now will be awed
By the indifference
The duplicity
The joylessness
The disgusting opulence
of carefree souls
Hovering over the grounds
of battered hopes
of broken dreams
of dismal lives
Spoiled by their riches
Blinded by the glare of a life of
comfort
Which is more sad?
Man's inability to care
Or his stubborn unwillingness to share?

Climate Crisis

Hello there boys and girls...

We're having an event next Saturday, just thought I'd share...



What: Climate Crisis: Club Party for a Cause

When: July 7, 2007 (7/707)
7:00 PM

Where: Club Industry, Tomas Morato, Quezon City

Why: To raise awareness on the effects of Global Warming and what we can do to help

Who: Top executives, young professionals, celebrities, and politicians



Reduce your carbon footprint now. Help save our planet. Stop Global Warming.
check it out - http://www.theasianalliance.org

Bum...

Yes folks, the inevitable has happened. I've graduated and finished college. And now I don't have a job. This scenario is quite far from what I have envisioned three or four years ago, even 3 months ago, but here it is. What to do? Indeed, what to do?

I've applied at a couple of companies, have a couple of interviews next week, missed a couple more last week, and all in all, still no signs of success. The company I've been dreaming of starting is still in my dreams. I have no funds, no suppliers, no staff, and basically, no company. I still have the idea though, sleeping in my head, and in the heads of four other like-minded individuals who are suffering the same fate as me.

Is it my fault? Is it their fault? I don't know. Maybe I just lost steam. Maybe we all lost steam (damn BA142). The question that lurks at the back of my mind now is: "How can I get back on track again?"

Several possibilities are forming in my ever-active mind.
1] I fall madly in love with a mysterious girl and she is kind enough to return the favor. (this scenario will do wonders for my already tattered ego and, of course, heart)
2] I get a call from a mysterious employer offering me a high-paying, highly exciting job and that I can start right away.
3] I win the lottery, thus giving me enough capital to jump-start my business.
4] My grandfather closes his financing deal, re-open our sugar mill, manufacture ethanol, and thus making me the richest 23 year-old single male in the whole of Bacolod. (as if....)


All in all, I'm not hopeful. Anybody know anybody who wants a young, brilliant, good-looking, romantic, and energetic new face in their company? Please please please, give me a call... LOL! ^___^

sunday bloody sunday...

Hello there boys and girls,

Its been another while hasn't it? and as always, I would ask if anybody missed me... Probably not. But, that's the way it is... I've been meaning to write for quite some time now. But its like everytime I look at the blank space of a new entry, I lose all strength and just give up.

I am graduating 20 days from now, on my 23rd birthday. I should be happy. I should be ecstatic. But for the life of me, I am not. And I don't know why. I always dreamed of the moment that I would finish college, dreamed of going up that stage and hearing my name being called. I always tried to do my best so that I wouldn't just graduate, but graduate at the top of my class.

I will... I'm at the top of my course. I will graduate Cum Laude this summer. I have fulfilled my goal. I should be proud of myself.

But why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so utterly alone? Even in this place where I am surrounded by friends and my siblings who love me. Why do I feel emptiness in my heart?

When I started this journey, I offered whatever I would gain to someone. I swore that whatever I achieved, it was for that one person.

Now that its over, it feels like everything that I worked for was for naught. Now that its over, I feel that the hardships and the triumphs do not mean anything anymore. Because it was for you. But now you are gone.

I wish it was as easy as finding someone new and offering everything up to that person in place of the one I lost. But its not.

It is so damn hard.

And I feel so damn frustrated and empty and alone and sad and f***ing angry at mysel for not having had the strength to pull myself together and carry us to the end.

Is it too late?

It is Palm Sunday today. It is the day the Lord entered Jerusalem, in full knowledge of his coming death. Today the wave at Him in celebration, in a few days they ask for his death. "Forgive them... they know not what they do."

Congratulations Graduates

There are times when I just feel so... tired... and a few weeks away from the end of college, I find myself feeling just... wasting away...


They gave me a pen
and taught me how to write
They gave me a mind
and taught me how to think
But you think
Before you write
They gave me a voice
and taught me how to speak
They gave me a heart
And i knew what it was to feel
So I feel
Before I speak
And speak what I feel
And write what I think
Think, then speak
Feel, then write
And now I write, speak, feel, think
All at once
But sometimes not at all

-Learning

for you...

I wrote this for a girl...I never really told her about it... But here it is now... I hope you like it...


when the day
is far too young
when the darkness
still envelops
i raise my song
slowly, and mournful
longing
for the rising sun
would I feel safe
would I feel comfort
would I feel happiness
when I am bathed in this light
if only I could feel its heat
its warmth
to thaw my frozen heart
yet there is hope
for there you are
and I feel safe
safely comfortable
comfortably happy
in this cold
and lonely place
when the day is no longer young
you are my sunlight

-Sun
-April 4, 2006
-1:18 AM

poetry...

Its been a long time since I've shared my poetry online...This one's from a while back, kaya medyo galit ang tone... anyways, here goes... ^__^



I am destroyed
I am unmade
I am broken
I am consumed
You have destroyed me
You have me unmade
You have me broken
You have consumed me
I gave you my love
I gave you my all
You gave me your love
Then took it all
My spirit is broken
There is nothing left
My soul has become hollow
You took it all
Destroy me
Unmake me
Break me
Consume me
You have done it
Only you
I gave you my life
I gave it all
Now I have nothing
You took it all

And you broke my heart

"Heartbreak"
August 28, 2006
9:14 PM

All I want for Christmas...

Our barkada christmas party is coming up, and with tradition, we've been asked to list the things we wished to get this christmas... I listed a portable mp3 player and an external hard drive...

But right now, I could care less if I got nothing...

If only I could give what I need to give the most... and honestly, I have no idea how to provide for it...

They say that life is the best gift that anyone can give. They say that its the greatest blessing. But what if I can't even give that? What good am I?

I pray to God for some guidance...'cuz I really have no idea on what to do...

and then there was..... absolutely nothing...

so here I am again, boys and girls...

I've been absent for a while... I haven't been up to writing anything for the past weeks really... I've been content just reading stuff from other people's blogs, and its actually quite a lot of fun...

But I miss writing. I've always fancied myself as a person who has a good way with words. But sometimes, I just lose it. I absolutely run out of things to say.

I feel its a good thing though, because its when I truly shut up is the time that I can really connect with people. Because I get to listen to them. Really listen to them. I quite fancy it actually. ^__^

And then there's reading... I love it as much as I love writing. And when I read something that really touches me, I feel profound happiness. I don't know why, but that's how it is...

Why am I even saying this? I really have no idea... I just feel like saying it... and sometimes, when you have nothing really intelligent to say, just say what you feel...

well, that's it for now... until I find my words again...

ciao. ^_^

The price of glory...

I have a bad cold... my nose looks like a strawberry... and it drips liquid like a broken faucet... T_T

But I'm happy... ^_^

We won the 1st Entrepreyouth Challenge last Friday, and I attended the first day of the series of seminars as one of the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees 2006-2007.

I think the stress and the fatigue finally caught up... anyways, I'm takin meds, but I think what I really need is a nice big hug...

Dream on I say...

The Top 25

If you didn't know, I recently joined the search for the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees of 2006, sponsored by the MarkProf Foundation. Out of 800 applicants this year, it was whittled down to around 190 students, who all attended the 2nd phase screening last Saturday, September 16. I was one of those 190 students. And that number has now been reduced to 50.

The remaining 50 will undergo a 3rd screening process this Saturday to determine who will be the final 25 Trainees.

Well guess what? I'm in the final 50... and I'm gonna be at the Asia Pacific College this Saturday to duke it out with the country's best marketing students in the bid to become one of the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees of the Year.

Dear me...what the f***ing hell have I gotten myself into?

I just hope I don't make an ass out of myself on Saturday...Well... wish me luck...

Head Pains part 2

Well what do you know, the headaches are still persistent... I thought that with the culmination of our ardous journey through Finance was the end of it. But no, the headaches are still here. The worst part? It manifests at the oddest times. Like today, we were eating lunch when my head suddenly started hurting. And then just after I get home, it starts hurting. And even right now, the right side of my forehead, just above the eye is hurting like hell.

I think I need new glasses. T__T

Or maybe a loooooooooooooooong vacation.

Head Pains

I have this bad head ache... I got it after making the financial projections for our entry to this contest that my school mates are joining. I usually finish this kind of thing for about two weeks, but I did this one in a day (3 and a half hours in fact). I feel drained. I just want to lay down and sleep, but I still have to send the entry through e-mail.

So here I am...


Wish us luck...

Sep 18, '06 6:43 PM

schooling yourself...

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but school feels a bit sucky right now...



I just had one of my worst experiences in the whole of my academic
life, and the easiest exam I've ever taken happen in the same day.
After staying up all night working on a business plan for my finance
class, we bombed. The team got cut off midway, in one of my most
humiliating presentations ever. What made it worse was the fact that
the "best" presentation was a reconstructed copy of a model that I
helped create last summer. (thieves I say...)



But enough of this ranting... Its a good thing that we had a very,
very, very easy exam in the afternoon. It was one of the only two good
things about today. The other good thing? Well, that's my little
secret.. ^__^



It doesn't make school easier though... Its still tough. How tough?



We still have to see...

sigh...

Hi there boys and girls...

Miss me much? Well, I miss myself too... It's been a while isn't it? I've been so busy lately, and so very preoccupied. I don't want to even bother talking about it.

I'm at work right now (encoder at a law firm), but its downtime so I guess that's why I'm able to write right now. So, where do I start? Oh, its exam week this week, and I have yet to review my notes, much less start researching for my midterm paper. Well I have, but its really not enough.

So right now I'm stuck at the conceptualization stage. I've got a paper on the relationship of wages and education in the Philippine setting in my Labor Economics theory class; Collaborative Strategies, Open-Sourcing, and Decomponentation in my Business Policy Class; and a business model of our own school for my Business Finance class. All of these to be passed sometime at the end of the week. Sound bullish? Not quite enough.

I'd like to give a big CONGRATULATIONS to Katia for being on the way to fulfilling her life-long dream. I'm so happy for you. Really, I am. I just wish that I'd be as lucky as you. Also to Erick, for taking the steps to fulfill his as well (you know what I mean ^_^). And to Kristine, for striving to become the doctor that she dreams to be.

As for me... well... I'm still a bit lost.

Very lost...

Its like I'm swimming in a sea of uncertainty. Not knowing what to expect at every turn, groping in the dark as I trudge along this fragile existence.

I try so hard not to show to anyone how hard I'm struggling. I always try to be the one who has it all together. But inside, its like I'm dying, slowly giving in to the darkness that threatens to consume me.

I'm scared of the possibilty that I might just give up and throw this all away. And for what? So that I can be free. Free of all the weight of the responsibility being the one to make it better for all of us. When I know that if I even attempt such a thing, I'd go under just like the lot of them. They'd just pull me down with them in their sinking boat. And I'd become more miserable. Miserable just like them.

I know I'm not making sense right now. But for those who know me, they would understand.

If only I had someone to hold me up. But you're so far away. And I cannot burden you because you have your own dreams to pursue. And I understand.

But I just need someone to help me get through this... even just for a little while...

Oh well, I guess I've said enough for now...

Untill next time then...

ciao...

I'm sorry...

I guess that's about all I can say...

I'm a mess... I mean, really... Do you ever get that feeling when one day it's all perfect, and then out of nowhere everything suddenly falls apart? And then you get trapped in a predicament so totally out of control that you just want to hide under your bed and stay there until the earth swallows you up.

That's kind of what I'm feeling right now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am sorry for my inadequacies... I am sorry for my inability to fulfill the promises that I meant to keep... I am sorry for my failure to accomplish the things I set out to do... I'll get there... but I'm sorry because I have to keep the people involved waiting...

All my life, I've always been the victim... as selfish as it may seem... I kinda want to be the villain for a while...


oh bruised heart, how selfish you have become...oh battered soul, where is your spirit now?